I just wonder - 21 December 2010

Can't fully remember what date i was up to with my last entry but have decided to write today anyway.

Last Friday went out with Carol and Janette and we had a beautiful Thai meal down at Patterson lakes then on Saturday night I went to the pictures at Pinewood with Janette and Shannon which also was really nice.

Yesterday James came around and we had a chat about everything and although a decision hasn't been made I'm pretty confident that Leh will have the baby, that i believe is needed in the world today.

I have also been thinking about Alan and although I can't be sure of this I feel that he has deteriorated over the past month. I'm not sure if it is just because he is in my company or not but he certainly doesn't look that good in fact i think he now looks quite old compared to photos that i had taken of him a couple of months ago. AND although I wont say this to him at this time I have decided that I and only I have worked out Gillies question "why Alan did we ever break up" well guess what sunshine you broke up because you are a controlling woman!!!! everything she wants she manipulated to get, she wanted Alan and she's got him and unfortunately for me I am the collateral damage but I'll gradually get over it.

I was quite cross with Alan after saying he was going to have a chat with James when he came here he said "we had a good talk to James" quite frankly my dear it wasn't any of her bloody business!!! and then when leh saw Alan on Friday night she (Gillie) suggested that perhaps leh would like to stay there on Christmas Eve (bitch), thankfully leh say no. i think the reason for this offer was

1. Alan would be a Prahran
2. He wouldn't have to drive to Seaford
3. Wouldn't have to drive back to the city and through to Geelong
4. Clearly if they had an early breakfast Alan would be able to leave Prahran early and be down with darling gillie around mid morning.
5. suffer bitch.

that's it I'm now going out.

I had lunch with David Knox at Clayton then went to Parkmore and ordered an ice-cream cake for Christmas day. When I came home Peter Hock rang me and wished me a Merry Christmas and we'll meet up after I come back from Daylesford.

I bought some more presents for leh for Christmas, I've wrapped them and placed them under the tree.

LEH came home from work and didn't seem that happy so I asked how James was and she said he bought up the option of the abortion pill which clearly to me upset her. So I'm inclined to think that now she'll have the baby and James will most likely walk away. even though he says he loves her i don't think this fits in with his 5 years plan. Worst case scenario is that she will be a single mum and I don't suppose that is such a problem in today's world. the baby will have leh, me and Michael as well as Alan when he is available or should I say allowed out.

I now feel as flat as a tack and I suppose its times like this it would be so much easier if I had Alan to talk to but I haven't - I'm so cross!!!!!

I just don't know - 18 December 2010

I don't think I've had a particularly good week, although having said that it seems like a bit of a blur at the moment.

On Wednesday night James went to have a chat to Alan but then I became fairly upset when Alan said "we" ie he a Gilly had a long 2 hour talk with him. Gilly he said explained to James the impact having an abortion has on a woman and how it cost her a child. this may be true but I think it should have been Alan and I talking to James not Gilly but I also realise i don't play much of a part in Alan's life so that was that.

I saw James on Thursday night but didn't manage to speak to him for long and when I did try Le-Anne kept on interrupting and making me feel like a fool so I just walked out so that didn't help me at all.

Yesterday Carol and Janette came around for our Christmas get together and we decided to go down to Patterson Lakes for a thai meal which was just beautiful.

When we got home we were chatting and then Jim rang and I invited him around and we had a good chat. Around 10.00 pm Carol and Janette went home, Le-Anne by this time had arrived home as well. Jim left around 11.00 pm.

this morning I got a bit upset when Le-Anne told me that Gilly had invited her to stay at her place on Christmas Eve. She said no but I still think Gilly is trying to take over. although Alan said Gilly had a very fragile relationship with LEH.

today I rang Carol and told her about the invitation and she was cross I also went into Pam's and told her and she was just as cross, so its not just me that doesn't like her >>>>>>

Another day in Paradise - Friday 10 December 2010

Woke up feeling unsettled so I went into Pam's around 9.00 am and had a chat with her. By that time i had already spoken to Carol and we had decided to meet for lunch.

Le-Anne seemed fairly apprehensive regarding the pregnancy and the way that James had reacted to the news.

Met Carol for lunch and showed her the letter from the solicitor. She agreed that it all seemed ok and thought i should instigate proceedings straight away but I said no because the letter would go out before Christmas and I just want a peaceful Christmas and it wouldn't be if Alan got a letter. Although he would most probably ask why i did it without consulting him. So I have decided in January would be the best time for the first letter.

I also have decided that i think it would be better for me to buy and older place in Glen Waverley or Mount Waverley and have it demolished and build a new home rather than go into a renovated property that way I will have land around me and I think now I am best to buy a 4 bedroom place which would give me enough room for every one ie me, leh, baby, office and dog.

Pam came over when I got back from lunch and we had a good chat.

Le-Anne came home at 5.20 and then James arrived just before 6.00. I think he is in shock but said that he wouldn't let Le-Anne down and would stay with her but I think Leh would be happier if they got married but I don't think that is going to happen so I have already told her that I will support her to the best of my ability. The first 5 years would be the hardest and I'm here so we will work it out. We (me and leh) touched on the thought of termination of pregnancy but she doesn't feel that is an option because you don't know what can happen and that she may never be able to have other children, I agreed with her, I would never have been able to do that.

I also rang Ian in Sydney and we had a great chat and a good laugh. Although we did have a laugh Ian still thinks I'm being to kind to Alan but unfortunately for me I just can't get nasty. I can think a lot but just don't say it. Doesn't make any difference anyhow because he's gone and that's about it....

Then about an hour ago I received a text message from Alan saying he would be here from 1.00 pm to 5.00 pm tomorrow if that was convenient. Must be me because I clearly said i would wanted him to email me!
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