Has Life returned to what it was like - 28 January 2010

Well Alan has been back home since 15 January. I think as I've already forgotten although it was a Friday.

On the 18 January I attended my normal session at Frankston and Alan went to see the doctor he had in Prahran to get results from tests he had the previous week. Well when he got home he told me that the results hadn't been that good and he needed to see a specialist because one of the blood counts was very high. it should have been 4.5 and his was 189.5. He told me he had made an appointment for 16 February which is quite a long time to wait. so I rang the doctor's office to ask if they ever had a cancellation if Alan could have it. But the receptionist Gloria said what she could was show the doctor the first doctors request or the details of the blood test. so I scanned everything and sent it to her and then with a matter of minutes she rang back and said that the doctor would see arh on Monday.

So we travelled into Malvern on the Monday and saw him and he basically said it was a very high count and that he would take a biopsy of the prostrate gland and that he would see him in the hospital within the hour. So we went to the hospital and the about 4 hours later we came home. Yesterday we got the results and unfortunately it was confirmed that he indeed had prostrate cancer and that he needed more test that were carried out today. A bone scan and a dye was injected into the veins and xrays where taken of this.

I knew it would take quite a lot of time so I wasn't that worried. But leh became agitated when he wasn't home by 4.30 and started to ring and text him. Finally when he arrived home she asked him what he had done and in fact in between the tests he had gone to Gillies to collect his suits and "just" to check on her.

I felt disappointed but have to admit I don't really care as I think permanent damage has been done. Apparently her family and friends don't like him anymore for what he has done to her and I explained to him that I wasn't very happy what she had done to me and they (her family hadn't given a brass raspberry thought about me!!!!). she also apparently asked if they could still be friend and although he laughed when he told me this that it was unlikely to ever happen. Well that's right it will never happen as she had the opportunity of being a friend and she decided to take him instead - so bugger her.

I also said to arh if I was ever going to go after someone I would NEVER go after as man that was married, so really he has no mental concept even today as to what he has done to me. So once bitten twice shy and I'll never let my guard down|!!!!!

When he told her he had prostate cancer she told him of many men that she knew had it and they were fine and she wished him well.

Well thanks gillie for your kind thoughts on the matter.

On a bright note tomorrow Alan and I fly to Queensland for 4 days and I've booked a nice little car and I think our accommodation will be very nice and of course the reason for doing this is to see Michael which I'm looking forward to only hope this time he is nice and not nasty like he was last time. Perhaps the past 3 years will have made a difference to him. I'm also looking forward to going to wet and wild which I believe is fantastic so we have both packed our togs.

bye for now.

Has life gone full circle? - 20 January 2010

How my life has changed in the past week.

After seeing Alan briefly last Thursday on Friday he sent me a text message asking me if I had a spare room. I said Yes and within 3 hours Alan had come home.

basically he said

• the grass wasn't always greener on the other side of the fence
• I am not the same person I was when I was 17 (no was my response - I have made you into the person you are - with the help of my family!)
• I am not a trophy
• She wasn't going to change and had way to many rules (ie would only watch the abc, read the age and so the list goes on)
• I don't like sharing the bed with a dog!
• I am not going to change

I asked him if he ever intended seeing her again - No never
I have told him he is on probation for the rest of his life!!!
I asked him if he is ever likely to contact any other women - no never

I am hopeful that my nightmare is over, at this time it is like a bad nightmare and I hope I never go to sleep and have it again.

I Feel so much better now - 12 January 2011

I haven't cried for a week now and feel so much better.

I was fairly cross when I heard that Gillie had told all and sundry over in Beachport the "she felt very sorry for Barbara!" so I sent an email to Alan asking him who the hell she thought she was to talk about me to anyone let alone his family. I also wasn't that impressed when Leh told me that she said to Alan that she didn't think he should be having wine every night and that according to leh Gillie always seemed to have a glass in her hand. and this is the woman who gave Alan the sob story of her husband being and alcoholic so I'm wondering if Alan is her next victim.

Anyway I sent Alan and email telling him I didn't want the caravan back here, basically after she had been in it I just wasn't interested but I knew even when I sent it that the caravan would be here because that's the way Alan is.

So when I got back with leh Alan was here so I walked up to him smiling and said "which part of my email didn't you understand" he just smiled and gave me a few reasons why it was here which was rubbish because he always intended it coming back. So he put the caravan back where it had been then he/we fixed my car with the dent and then we had a cup of tea. I also asked him if he liked the new lounge and he said yes he thought it was great.

When we were having our cup of tea i asked him if he was happy where he was and his reply once again shocked me "well its as good as it can be when you are living with someone" so strange he should be jumping out of his skin with happiness but he isn't.

when he was leaving I told him I was thinking of going on a holiday and he asked where and I said the Antarctic and he said that would be exciting. So I sent him an email last night asking him if he would come with me and this was his reply "I wouldn't be braving the massive waves you have to go through before you get to the ice. " so I have now sent him another email saying "ok I'll book two seats for a flight over the Antarctic for 6 February leaving Melbourne and 8.00 am and returning 12 hours later. I know he will say no but I don't care.

BTW when I last spoke to him his eyes had returned to the sparkling blue which was lovely I just hope I don't fall in another heap.

My world is imploding

• What have i done?
• Why am I still crying 2 months after Alan has left.
• Does time pass or does it stand still
• Am I dreaming or is this real
• I just don't know except that my life will never be the same again.
• I don't want Alan to bring the caravan back here now that Gillie has been away in it. Its now hers and that's it.
  

Christmas and New Year 2010

Well I really didn't know what kind of Christmas and New Year i would have but in the end it turned out quite nice.

I was invited to James' parents place for Christmas Lunch and I had a wonderful time. they are really nice people and made me feel really welcome.

The day started with breakfast with Pam and Eddie then lunch with James' family and then back to Pam and Eddie's for Christmas tea. On Boxing day I headed up to Daylesford to stay with Janette and Babe. I also had a wonderful time with them. Lots of laughter and very few tears - which is good.

On return I had a couple of days at home and then went to Eiko's for New Year and we had a great time. I stayed with her on NYE night and then on the following day I went to Yum Char with a big group of her family and friends and then as alan was coming out here to collect the caravan to take it over to the SE with Gillie I decided to go to Uncle Mac's for the night and had a good time with them. I only broke down a couple of times over the past couple of days so that is also good.

Today I went out with Pam and bought a new lounge for the lounge-room and I'm very happy. It will be delivered on Friday so now I just need to arrange a hard rubbish collection so the old one will be gone, its been good but now is the time to change.

I've also decided (well today I have) to play the game that Gillie made the rules for. So from now on I just wont be able to do everything and I'll be like a powder puff and I know its going to annoy the s**t out of her that Alan comes out here and isn't that a shame.

By for now.